Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!  I hope you’ve had a good day.

It’s a great day to share your feelings with those you love.  There are many people I love and am grateful for.  My family, of course, and close friends.  Unfortunately, sometimes we aren’t able to express our love to each person that means so much to us.  It can be difficult on a day like today.  It’s hard when people ask about your valentine, ask about your plans for the day.  You know how this feels.  I understand how you feel.  It’s especially hard when the hurt is so real and the sadness is so fresh.  It hurts me to think that you’ve been feeling the same way.

There have been so many times already these past couple of days when I’ve forgotten why we even came to that decision earlier this week, why we decided it would be best to not be together anymore.  All I can remember is why it sucks to not be with you (sorry, not going to sugar coat it).  All I can remember are the things we won’t be doing together anymore, the things we said goodbye to, and the things we hadn’t mentioned then but have since hit me in the chest when I realized they’re no longer on the horizon.  Damn that changed horizon.  It seems so empty now.

Those are the things I remember.  Those things, and the wonderful memories with you, are what fill my mind and heart.  Not the things that motivated us to separate.  Those seem so insignificant now, and not appealing in the least.  Perhaps they’ll come back and remind me why they were important enough (or at least timely enough) to encourage the decision we made.  They seem so unimportant now.  I speak from my side; I don’t mean to call your feelings and reasons insignificant.

Even aside from all of this, I just miss being your friend, too.  I miss talking to you and being able to share neat experiences and insightful and happy thoughts.  I feel so strange that it would be wrong to have any interaction.  Why does that have to be a thing?  Yes, perhaps that’s the best way to be a friend now.  Yes, perhaps this was not the best idea, using this passive means of communication to tell you my feelings.  I just feel inclined to share these feelings today.  I guess I wasn’t strong enough to let Valentine’s day pass without telling you how much you mean to me.  I long for the day when we can talk to each other again.  I’m excited for it, even, though there are parts that will still hurt.

It’s kind of strange, how will we ever know when it’s ok to talk again if we can’t talk to each other to find out :)  What an unfortunate catch 22.

We had an awesome day planned for Valentine’s!  I hope you remembered that today :)  I hope it will make you smile at least a little bit.  It’s especially hard to hurt when the one who always took the hurt away isn’t quite as available.  Not as before, anyway.  But know that they are still thinking of you.  And that they love you.  I love you.